December 17, 2002 - 12:01 a.m.
The hard hard truth
so, the conversation began at Zelda's ...
'we need to get a bottle of wine' i said
after purchasing a porn video and these crazy vintage comic books on Yonge Street.
' I love how we come up with these fabulous recipes for disaster all on our own' she says, then...
' i have a lot of parsely in my teeth, i can feel it shuffling around'
Porno and wine in the common room... the common room of my building... that really makes for a classy night.
There are times when I feel like i've gotten myself in over my head... watching Barely Legal in my common room for example... jumping each time i imagine the door knob turning.
The real shocker came at the end of the evening... when i raced to my computer after the most unnerving confessional of my life... she says,
'i can't function, i can't even sit still around you... i think about it all the time.' and i don't know how to get out of this. i'm stuck here in my stairwell with this girl who knows me so well, she knows i won't leave her freaking out like this... that somehow i'll try to calm her down, because in spite of all the shit she's put me through, my compassion for her will always win out. so she presses further... i tell her i know what would happen, we've definitely been there before. She reminds me that this was four years ago, which i definitely know... and she says she hasn't stopped remembering. I try to change the subject telling her that i'm sure jane , last night, was a good distraction for her... she says 'do you think i would have kissed her if i could have kissed you instead?' i don't know what to say,
so i'm backing up the steps, fidgetting and getting more frantic. All I want to do is run and shut the door of my room behind me... but i know how much that would hurt her, and Kristine is sitting at the table on the other side of the staircase, i know our voices have to stay low. All i can do is keep that three feet between us, backing up each time she moves closer, trying not to look right at her eyes.
There is so much i don't want to remember, but i'm trying not to show her that... because there are things that wouldn't hurt to recall, mixed in with all those tears, and i tell her that she was the one who shut that door... she tells me it could easily be reopened.
not for me.
it isn't something i want to see again. not now, not when all i can think of is Adrienne, and how much i ache to be with her, to have her walk down that staircase... come up behind me and put her arms around my waist, turning my chin to her ... she would press her mouth against mine and smile at me, maybe say "mwaaah" like i do sometimes when we're giggling like silly little children.
'i need to go to sleep, i have an exam tomorrow' i say.
'i won't be able to sleep' she says ' so which one of us will get their way?'
I answer ' didn't you love how adrienne used to say 'I alvays get vat i vant'? ...
well this time i'm getting what i want.'
So i turned and walked down the hall.
she looked at me with the most incredulous eyes. obviously some things have changed.
' you have to give me something to distract me...' she whined.
so i flashed her.. a smile and walked up the stairs... i heard the door click behind me and came to tell you everything, my love.
i love you so much.. good night xxxx
