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February 20, 2003 - 10:23 p.m.

emotional vampirism...

Not cute...not pretty, she said,

eyes shifting my composure

she lays them on me -

transposed against the watered weak vision

of all i'd lived on -

so little for so long

weaning myself off this lovesick complexion,

the combined project of we two half starved loveslaves -

sleeping our whole lives

with mannequins dressed

as lovers

whose pullstrings brought torrents of exuses (hers),

reprimanding tears (mine).

Flowing in parallel streams -

never bending,

never converging...

never dampering her resolve to drown me

out - there,

you found me hands groping

from below the water's clean lines

blue eyes, straw, strong and so clear -

softly swelling, sweating regret

on the glass of fragile intent to forget,

forgiving reflections of refracted disillusionment

The wish, we made unknowingly,

the moment my lips hit you -

the world became unspun

A snowglobe settling, we became still...again

my words falling around me, puncturing my strength to resist,

undressing my defense

you came, dragging the season down around me, filling my days with short breath and warm beds

shattering still hallways

forgetting the smoke that hung about our heads

reality flutters down, settling into my lungs, with leaves, turned and smashed, veins captured in wax on my walls,

we crawled past regret, never seeing the end here, on my knees...

i would grovel for you, though you never asked

never expected

to find me here

all around you.

That night

i invited us - to begin

invited myself in...

you sent me to wake myself

5 am -

fluid in the night air

waking in this cold

never feeling the wind, so flushed

was I

recalling my flesh, flush with your jaw

your eyes sucking the truth from me,

without pretense

except in words spoken, above a whisper

call me soon

which meant - always,

which meant,

tomorrow, which meant

don't leave

I just have to end

all these lies

so that tomorrow

and everyday after

we can wake in eachother

and forget that somehow its still snowing outside.

 

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