July 31, 2003 - 12:48 a.m.
it's time to purge myself of bad habits... except of course for my chronicly denied gange crush... which accounts for most of the entries on this here site.
habit #1 eating because i'm bored... unlike baking cookies... which is fun, i need to resist the temptation to buy bulk baskin robbins... for a while i could trick myself into believing that i was too broke, then distract myself saying i was too busy... but now... the peanut butter chocolate gold medal ribbon calls to me. This reminds me of the months i spent at angela and wilson's where the cook, whose name i couldn't even begin to spell, baked chocolate cake every godddamn day once she found out i liked it and there was no way for me to get to my room except by passing through the kitchen which was death on a plate and proved too tempting... not to mention the other sodelicious treats they jammed down my throat... which, in combination with the subtraction of 16 hours a week of dance training, soccer, field hockey et al. left me 30 pounds heavier... feeling like i could float myself home across the ocean if i weren't so petritfied of sharks. i will rediscover the virtues of natural highs and the succulence of lychees which have replaced the five dollar b.r. tubs that frequented my hips ass and thighs.
habit #2 flounging around the house. See, habit 1. must put an end to the tomorrow i'll do it-tude and get moving. Went to pilates and walked home AND... to the sound of the drum roll (or execution style drum solo) ... walked up 24 flights of stairs. I did it though. Fuck it felt good. Make this a weekly habit.
habit #3 making unrealistic avowals to complete to do lists full of trivial things. is it really necessary to Clean apartment, water plants, plan courses, colour code course timetable, go to bank, call _, call_, call _ , go to library, mail letter, organize shoe cupboard, polish shoes, change lightbulb and take bubble bath all in the same day?
habit #4 losing those to do lists
habit #5 writing down things on said list that i shouldn't have to be told to remember, like "go swimming" and "make dinner".
habit #6 caring what people think... a flaw of the sensitive soul... i do, i admit, care if people get the impression that i'm stupid, or snobby and the like... cause i'm not. i get awkward and shy sometimes when i feel self conscious, making me seem aloof or ditsy... which people think comes naturally when really it's just an effect of being too aware of people's innate nastiness and predilection for making judgements before knowing wtf they're talking about. or vice versa, making snap judgements.
habit #7 finding perfection in numbers.. like the seven of deadly sins... this being the deadliest... my tendency to make analogies.. as in.. all the time.... the end.
okay not. Maybe these to do lists make me feel better about putting things off. As though having written them down has marked their spot on an indelible metaphysical calendar and that somehow, independant of my careless, laxness these things will get done. only in a perfect world, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven... give us this day our... fuck. we're back onto carbs. Git me offa this thang.
shaddup, i'm delirious. But, one habit i would not change for the world is my tendancy to get excited about tiny wins. Like the amazing pens we got, for free, in Kensington. one is a black feather headed chick with sunglasses and lips who sticks into a hooker boot, the other is a purple feather headed bird with a giant yellow foot, which is now ade's screen saver. delighted.
