February 03, 2004 - 6:22 p.m.
the world has
been turned upside down
and i lied because i said i would not write
but i can't
help myself.
maybe it's just me whose been turned on my head
but as my feet dry i wonder.
perhaps it is the nature of loss that it remains inexpressible, somewhere, as they say, beyond language, because it is
real
and language is,
but is not.
it isn't it.
it is somewhere outside of language so instead i describe for you as best i can - the nature of these feelings and hummm the barenaked ladies to myself and wonder what
i would do
if i had
a million dollars
logically, you would never want all the things he suggests,
especially not a green dress
although the cruelty perhaps you would not mind
you'd just never wear it
so instead i would resolve to just give you the money
and let you buy what you really wanted
so back to being on my head,
walking home the sutton place, with its red letters way up in the sky, was shrouded in fog, thick and spitting down, hell fire.
it had a hellish glow to be sure.
if hell is in the sky,
where am i?
certainly not heaven, maybe i'm not far enough removed and hell really is earth. or other people as Sartre suggests,
anyway, stepping off the curb into the slushy street i went in
ankle deep,
isn't that proof enough?
i just realized with all these ruminations on death,... the OAC yearbook sheets that we filled out when graduating are called "obits" I never made the connection... like ears of corn or whatever, it never occured to me that they mean the same thing, the passing from something to ... something else. not death, certainly, because it's only gotten better since high school... at least for me.
how many people really miss high school?
i just miss my mom.
i am resolved to get myself a latte, because today
they're two dollars and i think that's great.
i've been looking around lately, reading the signs,
i guess that's a toronto substitute for smelling the flowers,
i noticed an ad, designed by a little girl named victoria and imagined, how great would the world be if children designed all our advertising, i'd never be suspicious again, i'd feel great about my body, and everything would be pink. (unless you got those kids who were into drawing tanks and guns) okay, only kids who don't watch tv or have older brothers.
and i guess you'd have to hire them just like little adults and pick the best ones, so you could just choose cheerful kids, well adjusted kids, unless you needed a really heart wrenching image to make people wake up and stop being assholes to eachother and start feeding the homeless and stop buying nike shoes. (ok, except the ones at MEC because their CEO told us they were ok.) this makes sense to me.. so don't worry about it.
maybe i'll feel like writing about the dryer vent tomorrow. (when i was younger i was CONVINCED that tomorrow was spelled with two m's. I was wrong).
