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February 14, 2004 - 9:13 p.m.

every day i wonder

how this can still go on

and i read you

read the small things that tell me ...wheels are turning

though your back is turned

and I

turn the other cheek

in love with you

through the tears

and tell you again

that in spite of it all

i will want you

but caution

do not wait too long

or i will be broken

and i have been so sad that i don't know how i'm still living

because sad like this

is not healthy

and each day that you feed me little bits of hope

it makes me stronger

for one more day of this

until i realize that these days string together and leave me

empty

still

but anger becomes fuel, but the kind that is bad for the environment

and it does not make me pretty

and pretty is what i want to be

for you

to remind you why you should change your mind

but don't wait too long

because i'm starting to realize that i have to be my own fuel,

that hope from you is not worth much

when love from you is worth so little now,

the market has crashed and i am left with these bonds

and i am saving my hope

because what you have offered me has turned to nothing but pieces of paper,

like the one on my desk that says

" i missed you last night"

what does that mean?

and how does that help me?!

I miss you each day. all the time

and this

is hurting me

and this

is not me

this angry, sad, terrible person

is the reduction of all the things you love which cannot be shown because i'm trying to keep them away from all these bad things that are poison to us and will be ruined the minute these two parts overlap.

i have to save something.

for myself.

i have to go.

until you can speak to me again,

the words that are more than hope

because they are certain

but you cannot be certain

until you know

goodbye is the word between now

and then

and when

you know

come and find me.

now

 

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