June 03, 2004 - 12:25 p.m.
bait and s and g
I can I possibly feel insecure about people i don't even know. The net fucks with my head... and yours, and yours, and yours. This is my theory of conspiracy.. and it's real. these on line communities create a visible log of relationships of quantity and more than likely not of quality. I have X number of friends which means X, Y, Z. fill in appropriate gloat-worthy feelings of self-satisfaction. but it also gives you these criterion of ... connections that are sustained unreliably by disembodied voices that... shouldn't but sometimes do, have the capacity to undermine your confidence... like, "what?! am i not a good internet friend? why don't you leave ME messages?" while providing you unlimited access to their net activities, who else other than you they've been talking to... who somehow has managed to be message worthy, all the while you're writing insightful and interesting things, being fun and adorable... to no avail. The internet has snobs too. eek. whooda thunk it? and no matter how much praise mail you get... you are never satiated... you can't have enough friends and what if they stop writing to you? "is it my fault? what did i do? please..." it's freaky. Almost like dating... the initial chase phase that captures people's interest in their desire to amass admirers who can be shelved, listed and ignored to the benefit of their net ego and the swollen friends listing on their profile. a click of a button... all it takes to become friends and have virtually laid them.. into your list... which in no way demands care or time investment. it's the little black book. pretty in pink. And the decline button is just as lethal. I just remind myself, as i sit here typing... .outside this community. that it's all pretend. But it is real for some people. I do much better in person. I'm really me. and they should be so lucky to see into my head. Can i tell the sincere from the in? Maybe i'll get bored too and create intrigue by playing hard to get, going MIA for a few ... somethings... until i crave the confirmation of that ritual of grey layers, layer upon layer...interspersed with pink and purple. It's a prettily wrapped time bomb. pink. who'd ever suspect. Eject. The constant carrot dangles though... and maybe i'll stop chasing the bait once i become it.
