January 18, 2005 - 2:30 p.m.
from b's j
How to be a Pop Star in Six Months (or Less)!
You'd like to be a pop star, wouldn't you? A pop star just like me? Being desired and loved everywhere you go, even in Neukolln? The fame, the wealth, the weekly set of fresh sneakers? Dancing on stage while thousands of fans chant your name and mispronounce your songs in heavy accents?
Wouldn't you like that?
You'd also be rich and famous, of course, but be aware that there really is so much more to being a pop star. It's not just about high fashion and limousines zipping down the Veteranstrasse, or hanging out in the studio while hanger-ons run out for Turkish pizza - no, your job also includes interviews, photo shoots, tours to glamorous places, big arena concerts, and lots of parties! Lots of them. Lots. I'm so very, very tired�
Anyway, does this sound like something you'd like? You're probably thinking that you don't have what it takes, that you'll never have that super-duper something, that this kind of success is just for other people -- BUT, as a matter of fact, you are one of those other people, because it's not what you have, it's what you do with what you have. Interestingly, I was once like you.
But that was a million years ago. So what do you do? Well, here are six easy steps that should leap you into the world of pop stardom, or at least have you being the belle of the ball in your own backyard - in six months or less!
1. Act like you already are one! One of the crazy facts of life is that if you act like you know what you're doing, people believe it! You're reading this, aren't you? If you look and act like a celebrity, people will think you already are one - and then the rest is easy! Never forget that real stars don't need to be obnoxious, though. We pay people to do that for us.
Tip: Arguing over the one euro cover at White Trash does not make you look tough.
2. Look the part! This is Berlin - where the stars dress like BSR workers and vice-versa! Once you know what your vision is, how hard could it be to make it real? First, get the music to fit your new brilliant self, then get the clothes to make you look like the star you already are. Want to have totally original style? Why, you need totally original style! Which means making your own combinations of couture and camouflage, safety pins and silk, fishnets and feathers! Except don't do it the way that I do or I'll call you a poseur.
Tip: You can find cheap rock star clothes at H&M (a la Japanese garage-band commercial), but you must mix it up with those army pants from Boxhagener Platz. You'll never be cool in Berlin if everything you own is new, or rather, hasn't been broken in yet� virginity is out. Hooray!!
3. Have a vision! That reminds me -- before you make a single step towards stardom, you have to figure out what kind of star you want to be! You're different, and you know it, but how do you show it?
Tip: Remember that everyone else in this city is pondering this issue when not drinking. Sometimes when drinking. Expect some overlap.
