February 22, 2005 - 12:10 p.m.
a new softer note
not so bitter
i'm not
i swear
gently.
please forgive these words.
the other ones
the mean ones
that's always the toss up:
do i want to be liked? likeable?
tough luck. tough love.
how bout respect?
I'm always more eloquent when i'm angry.
i frighten myself in the fray of words
afraid of what arsenal I might pull out.
"wield words like weapons"
o how i envy you.
your words.
strong voices, chain-mailed in dense links of verbs and adjectives
and i utter sounds that only feel
"I am worthless sounds compared to all your perfect words"
and i want to feel more. in spite of the pain.
I want to speak it...
write it, through my lips
through clenched teeth,
bleed my palms with pointed words
like nails dug deep into my tight fist
there is always a tension between speaking one's mind and remaining in the rosy light.
i can't resist the shade. but i feel myself diminished by it.
how to stay
whole
not obscurred by either too much or too little
light, optimism, darkness, anger
these feelings do not exist in opposition alone
kindness can erase you
so can indiference.
