June 29, 2005 - 12:28 a.m.
i get myself here to the place where i squirm each time i see you and i catch my breath in my throat before i utter the words i want to tell you 'you're not even that hot' to convince myself, but this has nothing to do with you. it's my own wierd, unattainable-crush-i-love-you-when-you-dance-you're-so-talented-iwanttobeyou-or-kiss-you-dilemma of seeing you for what you are and for all the things you don't know you are to me i get silly and bashful about the fool i make of myself everytime my tongue trips reckless but so headlong over itself stubbing toes against my teeth to please and appease you hurting my pride as i walk away tongue tied and further wrapt in your obliviousness. i set up the odds, as you stack wine glasses, transparent and delicate, brimming with my expectations self-conscious, wild and empty, as we clink words small, careful, polite words and then I walk away clomping my silly nose-wrinkling giddy and lip-biting, knock-kneed retreat to the edge of the lawn as I kick myself for all the uncool things i said. street meetings and no more talk of this, lyrics and new entrances facilitated by casual drops of wish and want 'to meet new people' but not YOU except to monopolize one moment and then send us into more spirals of conversation there must be more of it in this three-times-emptied pitcher. It finds its way into the cap of minutes as morning gets closer to now and i wait til the last gasp of awake to put my brain down dozy and dull on the mattress of cushioned thoughts that were too late to meet you here.
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