June 29, 2005 - 12:28 a.m.
i get myself here
to the place where i squirm
each time i see you
and i catch my breath in my throat
before i utter the words
i want
to tell you
'you're not even that hot'
to convince myself,
but this has nothing to do with you.
it's my own wierd, unattainable-crush-i-love-you-when-you-dance-you're-so-talented-iwanttobeyou-or-kiss-you-dilemma
of seeing you for what you are
and for all the things you don't know you are to me
i get silly and bashful about the fool i make of myself
everytime
my tongue trips reckless but so headlong over itself stubbing toes against my teeth to please and appease you
hurting my pride as i walk away tongue tied and further wrapt in your obliviousness.
i set up the odds, as you stack wine glasses,
transparent and delicate,
brimming with my expectations
self-conscious,
wild and empty,
as we clink words
small, careful,
polite words
and then I walk away
clomping my silly
nose-wrinkling
giddy and lip-biting, knock-kneed retreat
to the edge of the lawn as I kick myself for all the uncool things i said.
street meetings and no more talk of this,
lyrics and new entrances
facilitated by casual drops of wish and want
'to meet new people'
but not YOU
except to monopolize one moment and then send us into more spirals of conversation
there must be more of it
in this three-times-emptied pitcher.
It finds its way into the cap of minutes as morning gets closer to now
and i wait til the last gasp of awake to put my brain down
dozy and dull on
the mattress of cushioned thoughts that were too late to meet you here.
