September 29, 2005 - 1:35 p.m.
princess
cracked and kingdom crumbling
atreyu has lost his horse and I'm seething in more than mud and nothing
i've come to the end of a rope and I
am the mire-hooved animal that has no strength left to fight,
despond, the slough;
I'm coming out of meek
into some other form of forgiveness.
forgiveness of self,
for the compromises of self
and constant tiptoe of feet that walk towards goals that are questionably mine
lesson one
part a) I don't get the job and am trying to keep my own chin up. You say, "how can you be okay with only working 2 days a week?!"
thanks.
part b) the "It's MY birthday" routine is cute, if your birthday is the only day you expect to be queen of the world. Except that in YOUR world, people can't: sleep when they want to, use the computer (certainly not for fun), spend too long on their homework, zone out, have a favourite tv program, watch it without feeling guilty, take time to get ready for bed, monitor their own finances, have their own passwords, have any friends you don't know (even though you don't LIKE ANYONE and can't maintain friendships outside of your family members, most of whom you don't like either), make plans without you, make plans for you, make plans that include you... because you "never committed" anyways and always keep a door open so you can flake out on cue.
conversely, people MUST:
run their plans by you, let you sleep in, go to parties alone if you'd rather play videogames, get you your track pants, put them on you, make food that YOU like, even if a) you don't eat it b)they like chicken and don't eat it because you'd rather not... even though you eat all the shit that's full of sugar and corn starch when you decide NOT to care... but can't bring yourself to eat a well-cooked meal including any of these things.
it's not okay. it's not okay. you're making me ...
b) a phone call is not grounds for world war three.
you always pull out your "conversations" at the perfect moment, to have it all work out according to YOUR plans, while disregarding mine.
and you blame it on your period, your intestines and the weather
moments of backtracking, your convenient heart-to-heart epiphanies... that always coincide with my fleeting attractions... and cancel out any ambition that doesn't feature
you
at the center of the universe
doesn't mean you don't exist. unless you choose to erase yourself, negating your permanence with month after month of bad behaviour and hair pulling frustration.
you think you can control what I think
I tell you i love you
i love your skin
your lips
eyes,
hair,
body,
you're my next top..
everything.
you wake up in the morning acting as if i've never said a nice thing to you and that each day I've got to prove that the good times actually happened and i wasn't just imagining it all,
while you fight to put your paranoid delusions into the center ring.
you play it by YOUR rules...I "carry on as if I was single", so you say,
but every relationship has been on your terms.
Lesson XYO3
When I come home and find you sleeping
I think,
"isn't she the sweetest thing?"
"isn't that the cutest?"
You think to yourself, as I lay spooning the cat, "why is she asleep... and where the fuck is my dinner?"
falling apart, falling apart. fixable? we know not.
your "uncomfortableness" always coincides with any realistic opportunity, as I see it, and life becomes like a bad analogy about academics who spend their lives being high and mighty philosophers about situations that are admirable "in theory" but "in practice" they don't have the balls to embrace. So you live in a book, touting your beliefs, while other people, not so lofty, but much more real, LIVE their lives a bit closer to their ideals. cut the jealousy, cut the crap. talk the talk you walk.
your quick ego always plays shortstop to the possiblity of more when it comes to me. you see it as lack, I see it as surplus. I'm not divided. I'm just large.
in totally controlled unrealistic circumstances... you're fine with it.
how bout reality?
the rest? no, no, no... figures.
lesson two
I have finished 4 years at university. I put my time in. I'm sorry you are still there.
Just think, when you were dicking around in OAC,driving a truck with a light on it, driving from her house on your parent's gas bill and eating lunch out (and her),
I was sitting in Sid Smith and UC, learning and writing and working my ass off so that this year you'd be able to make me feel shitty for not having a full time job OR being a full time student. My lack of... something?..? ... is making you resent me, because I don't feel like embracing the stress you associate with focus.
my lack of foresight and fore-freak-out...is screwing up YOUR plans for a house, a partner, a cushion, a trip to Europe. I'd still go if I had just enough for the flight.
You need more security. That's fine, just don't lecture me about my effort, my open schedule and my lack of ambition. I seem to be doing fine, last time I checked.
you forget. After a full summer, I worked two jobs, three weeks, all day and weekends, but that was MORE than you asked for. shoulda known.
your head has been burried so long in your own bullshit that you can't even smell it anymore.
when you figure out, who you want to be
then
come and find me.
a hiatus, perforation in bone
mine are wearing thin,
arches fallen
but not broken
I'm drinking milk, fortifying, building a spine. getting reminded.
and the truth always bubbles up; what you said you were okay with today, actually isn't, same goes for yesterday and last year. It must be exhausting pretending to be so big...
let me inflate you a little bit, it is so time consuming and so fruitless, when you just expire more quickly with each breath
and I end up breathless, angry and feeling like I'm missing the last page in a story. Somehow I don't get it. and I'm not even sure if I've read it, or if my eyes have just glazed, stuck on the same page and I've made this all up. Stranger things have been known to happen.
