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December 15, 2005 - 7:19 a.m.
worry affects me physically and I don't know how much more I can handle. It's like being disgustingly drunk, but past the 'fun' part. Osmosis of emotions sends me spinning in nauseous tossed sleep draining my insides as my gut slaps my wrists for having caused you so much anxiety and pain. but now, there's no guilt, just a kitten asleep on the floor so much in heaven, to be free of bars, so who is it that my conscience has tapped into to generate this sick feeling? maybe it's you, our dream and our and child wanting so badly to be close, but not knowing how to cross the floor, afraid of the tiny shape asleep and dreaming you have no idea how little he will change your life or how tiny he is, next to all that big fear. and fat, full tears of heart breaking anguish rolled down our faces, seeing you look at us that way like you didn't know us, because the people you know would never have forgotten you this way. at the door I hear you, recognizing these typing fingers your ears, and not your nose, remembering the sounds of our life, yesterday and your kitten paws wanting to find their way back into our life back into our life
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