March 04, 2008 - 4:48 p.m.
I am searching out horoscopes
for a heart crossed star sign
falling
towards grey winter pavement
slick-sheeted with sleet and tires' tracks
illusions of safety, texture and grit,
teeth tapping under my breath
ten times today, i bump up against your face
whispers of it
her face, close to yours in my mind
her words, spoken against your lips
her manicured hands,
it could be me,
it should have been me,
it could just have easily have been
but it is her picture that i didn't recognize
admiring the turn of lip, turn of phrase - words that were unremarkable, old, and predictable,
until I recognized them as hers
my old thoughts
hers
my old lover
hers
filling pages
for others to read
and cooo, how original,
when the only thing that still feels new is losing you
i pull back from my own naive, tongue-whetted lips as I recognize you
on the page
read of successes claimed, words that describe a love I don't recognize
like i don't recognize you anymore
in the words you speak,
the pose you wear
- "fashion is the only thing so ugly that it has to be changed entirely every six months"
but the silhouette is fresh in my mind
and still there is the phantom pain
of limbs still pressed
weighing
upon my mind
and I wonder if you will be lost
like the others
the ones cast to sea in bottles, grown and incubated there with pieces of my heart that I pretend not to miss
feeding off the parts of me i thought
I could do without
pieces you took, slyly, like the missing can opener, memories and socks that I haven't been able to find since you left
that I only remember once I look for them
and they aren't there
How many more times will I run into someone else
wearing a piece of my past
a piece that I didn't even know I was missing?
how many times will I open my heart,
open a book, turn a page and find you standing there;
dog-earred memory,
notes in margins
other people's words in your mouth
not mine
not
mine
