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April 17, 2010 - 2:30 p.m.

A_ _ _ _ _ is not.

I operate better from a place of anger. Call this an 'ater school special'
but the victim card you think I relish is one I would trade in spades for the person I was before you were through with me.
got through
to me
broken down over so many fights and returns to you, when I should have been running, as fast as I possibly could, in the opposite direction.

I called J today to tell her about my mistake:
It could be the biggest mistake. of my life. I missed the opportunity to be with you again. I could have watched the best thing I ever had fall for another, again... because I was so fucked up from this relationship. So broken down.

I blame myself, because I can't blame you. You don't want me to be upset. It makes you feel bad, like I do, about yourself. Still I am putting your needs first. Let's have some hard, honest truth.

I show up.
YOu freeze. My intentions could be innocent, but the read I get from you tells me yours arent'
and now you are back pedaling because your game is being salted, when you claimed you werent playing.
I only get straight answers from you when I ask the right questions. It sucks. That's an understatement.

You come out of this with your same game face, using the same words and ways that made me fall in love with you'
spreading the tricks, indiscriminately, across the small pool you've been ankle deep in for all this time.
You didn't even have to learn to swim, or switch ponds...
You came out just as strong, maybe even stronger, since you now know just how far to push... the only flaw you have is the annoying reminder of me - telling you (inconveniently) how your actions and alcohol hurt me and wore me down, but these are things you can hide
charming your way across Church.
I came out weaker, smaller, no longer the confident, sexual, sharp person I was when I met you. not half of it.

"you are so special
and I'm going to tell you that every day until you know it"

I want to know it without being told.

sigh.
here I go again. It's a new habit of
express hurt, deny hurt, lash out when impact of hurt is perceived, recoil, reach, resist, succumb.

suck.
my life
out

and I will not show up, unannounced, to catch you in the middle of working to forget what you did,

because it is no good for me

and you know, somewhere deep, that you don't want to do this again
to another human being

but it's easier, you say, for you to push it down, to act like you don't care, to flirt to forget.

but you will
when i make like a phoenix, all Ani-Difranco-lyrics and rainbows, streaming out of these ashes and you will not even recognize me,
so far will I eclipse myself


 

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