April 24, 2010 - 11:24 p.m.
"Welcome to Calypso Sands, World of Vacations; I will be your tourguide fortherestof the day... My name is Rita".
When you touch me
I feel something there
deliberate,
but not calculated, not planned.
Through your fingers, I feel impulses
Ones you haven't thought through, rehearsed a thousand times on someone else.
It feels new.
I cannot imagine you sitting with Mitch
touching his hand
it's easy
I know other girls who have taken the easy way
in
You feel so connected, radiating
this enterprising, curious, into-it energy
I feel like I believe you.
I like you already.
You could be the next thing.
But I don't even care if that's what it is,
because for the first time in so long I'm not evaluating it, step by step,
looking to rule you out.
I am present.
and it's only in retrospect that I realize how out of the moment I have been ... for so long now.
It takes me back to beaches, to sparks of excitemetn,
to feeling like 'this is the first time ever' 'we are the first two people to ever feel this'
a sense of naivete which I have missed for too many years.
I like the confidence in your own choice, sense and intuition. Tentative, but for all the right reasons.
I feel respected, wierdly, even though I know how you are seeing me and not all of it is chaste,
Free to be playful and unrestrained, and impulsive, but cute and unrushed...
not like I'm rushing for the last, or avoiding or masking over the things I don't want to focus on.
In the back seat of your car...
I want to have those moments of connection: The knees to hips, feeling my legs contract as hands move to my ribs,
so present. And you made me feel special again. It's true. We do seek and draw the things we have been missing. The attraction... to what I understood before my mind caught up.
Now.
You lost me somewhere. After I accidently erased all my saved messages, the cute sweet-nothings from an entire year. I was left, unexpectedly, with a clean slate. I don't think I could have willed it: bringing my bags with me and perusing them with you, as if we were looking at a garage sale -
stuff people have that might pique your curiousity, if only to see the insides of someone else's life, without feeling the need to buy and fuss over anything...
I left the parts of myself I have been so tired of, over there, back in the apartment, somewhere else and
me,... the one I was missing, I am watching her introduce herself to you without the jetlagged, fumbling tongue, out of practice self that has been speaking for me for the better part of 9 months.
"Straight? I'll buy you a glass of wine? White before red...something about taste buds and potency...I listened"
"So I came home and thought about you the whole way here... Climbed into bed and took care of my situation while doing the same..."
"And then had a sex dream about you... and now I'm awake and I've got those eyes on my mind..."
where do you want to be tonight?
on your lap. I hope.
"Oh dear god that was a good answer. Youknow... it's quite compelling that you can tick off my boxes...
the lap sitting, the wine drinking... the assertiveness"
I want to be back in your car.
"I gotta say, there was a fork in the road when I moved from intimidated to confident"
"I want to spend time with you"
"god, i can't stop thinking about yoru body... I shoudl totally come by"
"oh dear god...fuck, the thought of your skin...that stomach...that curve of your spine... my god"
I want you to come.
"you mean you wish i could make you come."
"God, you were so hot last night, nothing like that has ever happened to me"
and it hasn't even.. yet. I feel that newness too. new.
"I believe that's a note to both. Not self..;)"
