October 17, 2010 - 7:31 a.m.
Back to the future
Our plan started well. And as my feet took me to the ballet, fate had set the ball rolling, down a steep steep hill.
You were the one who suggested it to me, and I went along as your sidekick. But it seems that my trajectory had already been set... that day when I opened a magazine and was so excited to see that a company I had seen by chance more than five years ago was returning and, by chance, I had seen the article just days before the tickets went on sale, and that, by chance, I was able to go and get two tickets...
then by all kinds of chances, I took A.R. to see it, and she coaxed me to listen more carefully when you asked 'are you staying around for a drink'
loving the show, those beautifully fragile, awkward, moving, hillarious and ironic moments, all jammed up against one another,
moved, as I was the first time,
our elbows brushed in the lobby, when my guard was down.
when you circled back to meet our circle back, and bought me a drink, and caught me again, with your eyes and shoulders and smile... I didn't think
that it would go there
I didn't know that I could.
But with numbers exchanged, and she and I walking you back to your hotel, it was only the dog (and twelve years of habit and terror) that kept me from accepting the invitation to prolong the evening.
Somehow, my feet would come walking back, through that same long hallway to your room 1209, 1209
I did not know what to call it, what to make of it, what to say,
but I told you that I didn't know any of these things.
You seemed to accept it so readily that I felt immediately comfortable
I think we were both intrigued.
That night you sent me a message...
"Hey Shayne,
so lovely to meet you tonight! You wont be able to reply to this message..shame! but just wanted to say it was cool, and hope to see you tomorrow. R."
"I am on my lunch, but headed back to school in a few. I will message you to let you know where I will be after you finish the show. That way if you want to come out for a drink you can either give a ring, or just meet up there with us. We may also head to the east end and in that case, if we head west I can swing by with a car. Possibilities. Break a leg tonight."
"I tried your number later last night, just to say it was cool to meet you and your quite classic, and very honest, which is really a lovely thing and has intriged me of course, anyway? I hope to hang out tonight even if its not a long one, Arhhhhh I have Canadian friends! this will do alot for me in the social context of my postion.
You make me laugh.
So tonight, as I think I have this question and answer after the show(thanks for the break a leg) maybe its best if we meet at the hotel? I'm worried that I cant call you!!
So If we make a time?
11?
In the lobby....
I'll be in the corner wearing a black hat....
I was going to sugest we just have drinks here or my room(understanding how that might sound) hoping it does not make me sound that way-but just as its so wet and your not up for a long evening?
But up to you, coming from New Zealand I tend to "sheep it" which means, more than happy to follow.
Ok thats enough...(this could be verging on stalker lenght)
hahaha.
Cool.
rkm. "
"I would love to meet you at your hotel at 11. I'm seeing a film with a friend and then going to a Korean pub *(Gu), but I will see if the friend is up for it. If not I will come on my own. I am not scared in the least about coming to your hotel, you seem like a very nice man and plus, at five ten I think I may be taller than you, therefore have a height advantage. I don't care how ripped your stomach is. See you at eleven. If you need to rearrange, just give me a ring (I'm sure some hotel clerk will take pity on you).
Til then. "
This is how a tryst begins, and continues. And I was terrified. Shaking, a bit nauseous, and my sleep was broken and full of half-fledged scenarios, played out behind heavy, delirious eyelids.
Push through, push through.
I carried myself there. Bravely. Like a tiny, shy, sixteen year old. Masked in this adult body, strong and tall.
We sat, we talked, like an interview, like friendly sharks, circling... not sure if what we saw was as appetizing as it seemed, seal or surfer,
I examined the limbs, imagined them around me,
imagined you in my mouth,
unaware of whether this feeling was sickness or starvation
I pushed myself to see.
And you. So respectful, so restrained, helped me by not helping yourself. I feel like you could see how this was affecting me. Someone else may have seen this as the moment to influence, but you sat back, maybe as aware as I was, of the irony, the tension, the thickness of this moment, how it could crack and spill everywhere or be tapped and retain its shape, pulsing and hot, energy holding itself ready for the distance to be crossed.
You asked and I invited. and I was surprised. Smoothness, soft lips, not what I expected. I didn't even think to hope. I felt it. And it floored me. Knocked me so willingly backwards, onto the bed, wanting things I didn't know how to want. Heart and cliches racing, I felt you. I felt myself, getting so excited. A novelty I did not want to wear off, or wear out.
Holy fuck.
Who was I tonight? And would this all dissolve at 1:42 pm?
Leaving a glass slipper, or jazz shoe, on the steps of your hotel, this felt like a fucked up fairy tale. I did not know whether I could get on wearing only one of a set. I did not know if I could go back to retrieve it, to see if you could make this shoe fit.
Again, I spent the whole day thinking, making people wonder if I was alright.
Catching myself smiling, slyly. Feeling hungry, but unable to eat.
I wanted to go back, to unpause that moment and let it play out. Even if I had to mess my whole life up to do it.
How would I know, when all my instincts seemed to spin like an off-keel compass
directionless...
I let my fingers do the walking.
"I made out with a very beautiful lesbian last night,
Ok so I went to sleep with an erection that could burn a hole in my mattress, but it was worth it.. (that comment was as Hetro man-ish as I get)
Have a nice day,
and hope to meet up again before I vanish..
It has to be said...but if you are going to see another penis for the first time in 12 yrs...it should be mine, I spoke with it and after a nervous discussion we both agreed."
"You are adorable. I will see what I can do. Maybe we could get together Saturday early in the day. I am supposed to have plans but do have to run an errand. I might be able to squeeze in an extra-long 'errand' at like 10 am... til maybe noon. I don't know if that suits you. You work at 5, I recall.
It's not like I can just say, 'hey, sorry to cancel, but I intend to meet up in a hotel with this man...'
It's my own private exploration. Which I have been thinking about a lot. It has been very present in my mind all day. I'm glad you are only here for a short while. This level of introspection could land me in the hospital if I carried on for too much longer.
Let me know if daytime works on Saturday. Otherwise I am tied to going out with a group of people on Saturday night, and my afternoon is shot.
You have been such a lovely person. I'm not at all surprised by you, but moreso by myself.
Thank you."
"ps. I don't even know if I can talk to A.R. about this. It's on the down low, like WAY down.
Just know that it has NOTHING to do with you. It's my own wierd identity problem."
Why did I feel the need to qualify my responses? I am usually so self-possessed. Pourquoi pas maintenant?
"k, so I am home from work now. I would definitely like to see you tomorrow in the daytime. If you are in, we could have a coffee and chat again.
I'm sorry for the problem I left you with last night. "
"Your very intriging and inquisitve secret is not only a plesure,but safe with me.
Saterday morning is cool with me, I leave it with you.
It sounds like your quite busy.
Chances are I can Imagine myself pretending I'm really relaxed about it all....but wake early,shower,clean room,create relaxed atmosphere...in a plile of nerves..hahaha.
Anyway enjoy your night.
See how you feel.
R."
"Great timing. I was just finishing up some work online. Shall I swing by your place around 10? If that doesn't work, then just drop me a line here on fb. I will check it before I leave the house. It does suck that you don't have a phone. "
"It works,
cool I see you tomorrow morning.
I'm going to start cleaning my room now.
R"
"Meeting you was perfect. A perfect encounter. I do hope you realize that now I will have to catch myself when silly teenage bands come on, like Paramour, and croon "you are the only exception"... and it feels like that means something to me now. You are an exceptional person.
and I loved every second of you.
Have a safe flight and brilliant shows. I am so happy to have met you."
And after driving to from your hotel, to pick up a television, and showing you my city, after you showed me what I had been missing all this time...
"because it was you"
was all I could explain. to myself.
I could not have orchestrated these details to fit so much like a song I knew already, intimately,
nor could I have predicted it would become so stuck in my head...
the exception
and it will always retain that "Grecian Urn" beauty, unchanged and kept, like a delicate artifact
unbreakable, unweathered, and secret
behind the glass of my mind.
