October 22, 2010 - 4:39 p.m.
I've been thinking about you,
and I wish you were still here.
It should be easier to say this to you.
It should be simple, by virtue of it being something I shouldn't feel strange saying.
But it makes me feel vulnerable. Because I don't want to wonder if you feel it too,
if you've been thinking about me as much as I have about you
and maybe
it's just my mind playing tricks on me
and maybe
I only feel it because it's new
and strange
and because there is no way
no way
to verify or corroborate these hunches
and you can't spell,
and you are never coming back
and you have a penis
and why does none of this matter?
probably because you made me feel something exciting
and because I am afraid I would have walked away from my past for it
for something different enough
to break me from my habits
because it's what it might have taken
for me to change this pattern
and start to see my life
line up, like ducks,
like stars,
like things people talk about putting in line
that start making sense
when I think
of that time
so brief
that it has
left me replaying it,
and never tried or tested my attention span
you are an untestable hypothesis
and I'm afraid to give you the opportunity to disprove me
to break this spell,
shatter the test tube,
to spill this private excitement
to find that maybe you are just
as ordinary
as all the other men
who did not turn my head
I cannot bear it
the thought that you are not
as phenomenal as my mind has deemed you
as my memory has made you
or perhaps,
you are simply
a brilliant performer
who stepped off the stage
into your next role,
one you have been living
on the road,
while the rest of us have real lives
and you smooth your way through my defenses
put your hand on my back
and let me slip back
forgetting time and losing myself
while you expertly partner
hands as confident here
as your feet moved that night
both inhibited
only in our heads
playing our way
out of curtains and sheets
a limited engagement
I am sold
out.
but still hoping,
in my head,
for a reprise
that may only be possible in my head because it is impossible really
