December 10, 2010 - 5:17 p.m.
I'm including all of you in this message in an effort to be transparent. Jackie, you're included because I know you know about it.
First, I'm sorry that I got upset at the bar. I shouldn't have; no one needs to see that, but I've been dealing with a lot, emotionally, lately and my feelings were quite hurt. I want to try to keep this brief, because it in no way needs to be overdrawn or dramatic.
I was hurt to hear about the way that what I told Nev was relayed. Perhaps I am mistaken in what I heard and I'm willing to allow that this is possible. I certainly hope so. However, the way that it was handled was maybe more hurtful that what initially upset me (the fact that it was discussed in a social way).
Plainly: if I ever heard that something scary had happened to any one of you I would do whatever I thought I could to help you. I would not break your confidence or disrespect you by treating it in a way that trivialized it, nor represent it to others in an overly casual way.
I remember when Michie was described as 'choking a bitch out' at the bar and how funny people thought that was. I didn't. Because I don't think violence is funny or acceptable. When Aimee and Jackie were mugged at Church and Wellesley I never treated it in a cavalier manner. I was sincerely upset that something like that had happened to my friends.
That's why it was so hurtful to have to imagine that, in addition to having something happen to me in a way that was upsetting and frightening, the people who I trusted, or should have been able to rely on to support me (if I'd chosen to talk to them about it), seemed (and I use the word 'seemed' deliberately) to treat it with the same casualness as an event that they watched and discussed with amusement when it happened to someone in a bar. That upsets me. It makes me feel like it's being condoned. In addition to it happening, I have to consider whether people I care about think that it's okay that this happened. I am not suggesting that is how it was, but it's now it felt.
When I approached Aimee, my purpose was to ask, straightforwardly, what you had meant by approaching Devon with the words you chose: 'I heard that you 'choked Ali out''.
It seems like a really insensitive way to bring it up. It's a hard thing to try to talk about and you completely dismissed me, like you didn't think I deserved an answer. I was speechless when your reply was... 'I don't think I have to answer that'. What does that even mean? Do I assume that you're saying you don't think that it was wrong? It puts a lot of doubt in my mind and all I was asking for was clarification. I certainly wasn't expecting you to say, 'wow, yeah, that sounds pretty insensitive, that's not how I meant it. I felt awkward because it's a weird thing to A) happen, or B) try to talk about." I didn't even expect you to ask how I was doing or if I was okay, but the least likely response I could have expected was the implied: "you don't deserve a response, let alone an acknowledgement from your 'friend' that this has happened and probably wasn't a pleasant experience."
I wasn't expecting phone calls of sympathy, since it's embarassing, unpleasant and not fun to talk about. I'd like to forget it. But it's hard to forget something when the most recent thing I have heard is that people I care for and have (I think?) been very supportive of as friends, treat something like this in a way that completely takes any dignity from me and makes me question... well... a lot.
I know this is hard for Devon. And I'm sorry. She has talked to at least two of you about this. She has been extremely, not surprisingly, supportive. I just want to clarify that to me, the only thing worse than it happening is to imagine that people who are close to me think it's acceptable, or ... a good drunken anecdote.
I have never given any of you a reason to think that I don't have sincere, unwavering concern for your well-being. This feels really shitty. And I would like to think that it wasn't intentional. But based on at least one answer I've had, I am not able to confirm that thought in my mind.
I care very much about you all and am really sad that this seems to be how it is. I wish I felt like I could just call and fix this. Maybe none of this matters... I don't really know.
