March 05, 2011 - 3:36 p.m.
From the moment I said it
I've been thinking about explaining, contextualizing, maybe
what I meant when I said, so explicitly,
'go and have fun, enjoy yourself, don't hold back'
You may have already noticed, as you've been getting to know me, that having been hurt in the past, I have a whole bunch of defense mechanisms in place,
sometimes they appear to be the exact opposite in function of what they actually stand in to protect me from
One of the reasons I like you so much is because you are strong and independent. I see how excited you are about your trip and want you to have an amazing time. I never want someone I care about to have regrets, especially in regards to me. Telling you to enjoy yourself is redundant, because I know you will, and it isn't because I care too little for you that I said it. It's because it eliminates (at least in my mind) one element of chance that could hurt me; I give my blessing where it's not needed, so that at least if I am hurt by something it wasn't because I didn't see it coming. If you hook up while you're away, I hope it will be because it's fun and spontaneous and my thinking brain tells me it would not be a reflection on your feelings for me. But my more sensitive side would take it that way. Choosing to adopt a posture of permissiveness makes me feel like at least I won't have to wonder if a) you do meet someone - you won't have to feel like you're doing something I am not at least expecting is a possibility, b) that if you wanted to you wouldn't for fear of hurting me. I would believe you if you told me I shouldn't be sad, and that it didn't matter. But if I hadn't at least broached the subject I would wonder, if it did come up, whether I had held you back. Wanting to do something and NOT doing it to avoid hurting someone is still wanting it.
I've been in those shoes before. And I like you. So much. I just want you to know that I like you enough that I'm trying to give you one of the hardest things for me - trust, and freedom and confidence. It was a gesture of trust that you will do what is good for you and that it will, however it plays out, be good for us that you KNOW I want you to really be happy, even if that's harder for me (worrier that I am).
I hope that makes sense. I don't want to ever be a basket case again, stressed and insecure. So far, with you I have been none of those things. I just wanted to make sure you know that I can be really quite strong when I feel secure and know that the person I'm with knows how I feel and will talk to me if hard things come up. I can only imagine that if all the people you meet in the next ten days like you a fraction as much as I do, you will have your pick of the hottest things Argentina has to offer. Soak it up and come back here happy and tanned (you assured me this is possible), cause I can't wait to kiss you.
I like you. And your face.
xo
A
