April 26, 2011 - 9:50 p.m.
When I was 16 i left home
left my perfect life
blonde hair
my stupid modeling portfolio
and all the other things that should have made me feel 'normal'and pretty
I came home a different person
what would I tell myself then?
you thought you knew, but you had
no idea
who you were
I see that all around me
in the irritating self-assured, oblivious conversations around me in the halls of high school
so full of badly drawn eyeshadow, too much swearing and the uncomfortable shadow of pubescent moustaches, still too fine to prompt the necessary shave
i bite my nails obsessively
a hold-over from days when there was so little control
i have been over it in my head so many times
and come back to this moment of change
a thousand times
defining
a person
a cheesy moment of rupture
between unknowing and self-knowledge
always half-won and
still as unsure, uncertain, as before
but now far better at faking it
