January 21, 2022 - 2:25 p.m.
January 18
I remember Katie P. saying that in her marriage she and her son HAVE to account for at least a certain amount of her wife’s plate. No negotiations. That part is off limits to other demands of life. I feel, by contrast, like I’m getting scraps. I get what is left. And too often it’s not even scraps let alone with an acknowledgement that it’s hard to subsist on almost nothing. I’m trying to be easy, positive, unburdensome and to make myself likeable. But Allia acknowledges that work takes all her energy, then Kingston gets what is left. I’m an afterthought. But what is work and all that effort for?
I don’t just feel like ‘not a priority’ - I feel guilty for expecting to be factored in. Like she resents that I’m impacted by her lack of effort. By the realization that I get what is left, which isn’t much. She doesn’t even feel the need to make an effort. Is it that she believes I won’t go anywhere? That she really thinks I should be satisfied or grateful? Or that she doesn’t even care if I’m satisfied? I wish she cared to be good at our marriage. That she wanted to, or actually felt like expressing love and affection was more than an expectation, but something she wanted to do. I’m growing our second child and I feel all hopeless. Like, tonight - when I said I love you. Nothing. Then I remember she showed me a TikTok. Touched my shoulder. ‘That feels nice’ she said, as I touched her hair and rubbed her scalp.
Somehow …She doesn’t remember to treat me like a woman she wooed or needs to nurture. Let alone work on a relationship with. I guess I feel dumb sometimes for wondering - would I feel okay about a lack of sexual intimacy if I felt like she really liked me, as a friend? She likes me in a comfortable way, enough to be irritated and her true self around me. But I don’t want to push the question - do you imagine what your life would be like without me? I don’t want to imagine that, but I really wish I felt like she treated me as something she would be sad to lose. Which I guess has more to do with feeling valued and seen. I don’t know what other act of service I could do, besides giving my body for 4 years of insemination, IVF egg retrievals, carrying our children and nursing. I don’t need to be revered, but cherished would be nice.
When you
Tell me you have nothing left for our relationship - I feel all kinds of things - from fear and panic to anger. Now, when I’m carrying our child, it worries me. Because i think about the future. I think about whether it will be okay if I feel like this in a month. A year. Two years. Would be able to stay. I am afraid of needing and not getting. It’s not sustainable. I am afraid you don’t see that putting nothing in the bank makes me afraid that I won’t be able to have a futur with you because I can’t picture being okay with this long term. If I’m not a priority now, when I’m most likely vulnerable. When there is no room on your plate for me,… I wonder if you know this and are okay with making me feel like I should accept just scraps. I want to feel important and valued. Not grand gestures or romance or panty ripping sex. Just small touches. Words or actions that remind me you see me as a woman, your partner. A person with a body and feelings. Not feeling like I factor into your decisions and am worth making those efforts makes me think I should have an exit strategy. I don’t want one. It breaks my heart. But I don’t know how to not read into this as a sign that I will never be able to feel like this is going to get better.
I’m wish you wanted to be good at our marriage to the same degree you want to be good at being a parent or at your job. It takes work and I know it’s hard. I want to feel like I’m a project you are investing in. Before it’s too late and I can’t forgive you for putting me last all this time. It’s breaking my trust.
