December 21, 2002 - 3:08 a.m.
Insomnia again...
lying awake, this time thinking... what if she comes home and doesn't love me anymore...?
I haven't spoken to her since tuesday and my mind is racing with all the possible reasons why... which i wont list because there are far too many of them.. and i've been pondering this secretly each time i check my email and wonder... tear tear... why there aren't any from her...
plenty of hot asian pussy, but no word from her.
i'm trying to be optimistic.. think myself to a peaceful sleep.
i feel like mentally im preparing myself for the worst...like when i came home from france and pretended everything was fine...
i don't think i could handle that.
in spite of the attention i got tonight, out at the bar, i still feel so lost at the thought of losing her...
this is significant...
i've never really been afraid of losing anything.. not that people, or relationships have ever seemed disposable, im' just not afraid of being alone... and i know i don't have to be if i don't want to ... i just don't want to be without her....
it all comes back to it, to us, to her...
all my smiles stem from one clear source...
sadly... that source is running dry...in my mind i've wrung every drop of cheery thoughts out of each still life picture of her in my head... now i'm left with a picture of her smilin on the beach in her bikini, which is hot.. cept now this other cute girl walks up through the sand... pulls her hips towards her and pushes her mouth against hers... aaaaahhhgh.. i'm driving myself crazy.
i was also thinking about my granny... in a completely unrelated note. and about how hard it is to remember moments outside the stock memories we collect. like the ones we recall because we have photos of those precise moments and we gloss over what happened and how we felt, remembering it in a smell... like granny's cooking and the high white walls, the slanted ceiling of the cottage, and birch trees..
i remember the steps down from the cottage and how there were these funny red and green spikey plants growing all up from between the cracked and uneven stone steps... sometimes there would be garter snakes... or big black water snakes...
like the time that mom was swimming and saw one, when she screamed the dog jumped right through the screen porch and ran down into the water with her..
my childhood memory is that he picks up the snake and shakes it... saving my mother... but i think what really happened was that he just ran down, with a concerned look on his face and howled a bit. Maybe we just told granny that that happened so she wouldn't be mad that he'd put a samoyed sized hole in the screen.
i'm putting out a want ad in the personals: if you like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain...and just happen to be the most beautiful thing i've ever seen... please answer this ad, or just show up on my door step tomorrow and tell me you missed me.
