December 08, 2003 - 9:47 a.m.
the text message says,
soft palette reminder...
relax the inside of your head is what it means, think happy thoughts,...
like watching return to neverland with wil and tina.
why do i read my email? especially junk mail? too much there that i said i'd stop thinking about... and i'm not meaning the sex spam. i need to learn to stop wishing I could delete certain people off the face of the earth. Relax my soft palette, feel the tension leaving my brain... think about the great things... like meeting people you actually like instead of keepin on trying to keep up appearances with the people you already know and feel obligated to struggle into sumthing like a conversation with...
-start making my own clothes and making a mess
-finish the torsos on the kitchen table
-love getting messy, covered in plaster and then clean it all up so the house is pretty for ade
-don't think of it as reasonable, think of it as terrifying... instructions...
-oh, yeah... and remember my choreography... and not the kind that i go through in my head everytime i'm face to face with those people who make me feel like a piece of performance art, where i'm smiling when all i want to do is scream in their face.
-instructions... remember to surface...endeavor to dive
-learn to feel more at home in my skin... to clean up my act and love my own nakedness, not only when it's just the two of us, but also when company's over and we just feel like dancing around the house and rolling across the floor on computer chairs to improbable tunes.
-giggle more and have dinner with tina and her dad
-go out for a hetero day with will and pretend to boss him around while he watches me try on jeans and tells me he loves my ass...then go out and eat pizza
-wake up when i feel like it and feel like i'm really awake, not just scraping together my brain for the purpose of not failing, when really it's still stuffed somewhere under my pillow.
-be excited that my mom is so adorable and wants to see me so much, that she calls to tell me i have to go see the play she just saw and is waiting for me to come home and decorate the christmas tree.
-remember to also be thankful for my dad, because really i don't give him enough credit, but he's probably one of the best there is and his overprotectiveness is manifest in me, and i'm sure my kids will resent it the same way i always did, but realize, just like i did, that the only reason I'm like that is because i never want anyone to walk on them and they'll come to love that papa bear response to anything that makes them cry.
-I am bigger...than my words and my thoughts, 24 floors up, i'm still trying to take it all in, to put myself into perspective and feel good about the aerial view. I will always have room in my smile for thoughts of simple things, like the great protein rich soy cereal that stays crunchy no matter how long it sits in the milk.
-look forward to the walk, because I can walk and the cold air will give me time to think and just look around.
