August 04, 2004 - 7:03 a.m.
PDA
the plot thickens
and now
somehow i feel that my love
is dirty
dirtied. and how can we go on?
polluted by the public
our brains tar'd and feathered
chicken headless running
away from fear
away from the issue
talking circles that overlap and become oblong
because really there is no center
and all these answers
bend and fold over my despair
why can't you be happy?
and how can we be when you aren't?
for us...
what is us- in edit?
unedited we are beautiful
i cannot check myself,
like this rage at the thought
of selling out
leave your brain on the shelf before you enter the public,
like a sex shop,
where everything on sale is so small
that you have to leave your bag at the front
for fear you might walk off with something...
like if maybe we kept our guts in our bodies
we might carry off someone else's brain
carry it off to somewhere less fucked up, more instinctive.
why would you recoil at happiness?
what is wrong with YOU that someone's sincere feelings make you uncomfortable?
leave your brain at the front, and tuck your heart away like a wallet that might be snatched from your fingertips, a valuable commodity in these depressed times...cash and feelings.
don't set off any of the alarms, don't be alarming... please,
please don't set off our warning bells and remind us that outside this space, in the real outside, beyond fake walls of public and private, people aren't tagged with censors... heat, happiness, maybe even love...
warning, warning. please don't remind us that times are changing.
is it THEM you're worried about? or your own inability to cope with your stifled desires and come to terms with your own dryed up, fractured and flawed romances? Like Raggedy Anne and Andy...x's for eyes and toothless smiles, i will not be a dummy in this life, stiched on expression hiding my...self. It's not just the mormons now.
If my happiness makes you uncomfortable... if a "mother" doesn't want to see their daughter kiss...whether it's around You, the family or just when "other people" aka. the public, can see it... either way... something is truly fucked up. Look inside yourself and see why the people who should be most pleased by our happiness are not, and somehow turn away from any sign of it. The ripples that course outwards and should bring joy by their indication of deeper...penetration, of the mind, of the heart... of lives being changed like butterfly wings gently moving towards some more grand result. Instead all i can see is a stone, sinking, waves radiating from this moment, now silent,
a rift widens and you are finished fighting. i will not be that stone sunk silent and deep, living like stone while i imagine that something more honest is going on beneath.
how can we go back and forth between real and not?
unnatural. that's the word they sometimes use to describe US. but we are only unnatural once THEY have gotten hold of us and twisted us to some unrecognizeable shape.
tapes get damaged when you rewind them too frequently,
stretched and distorted. like my face with tears and disbelief.
this is not who i am.
and public, there is a dangerous word.
like "community standards" and all the other generalities they use to cage people and make us behave like one well oiled robot.
I am the malfunction and for the sake of survival.
i'll be seeing you less, unless seeing you stops being a question of seeing less of
myself.
