November 16, 2004 - 8:51 a.m.
The First
�I love you.�
The dirt covers your face, your eyes shellacked with minute particles of mud but you feel nothing�
He said He liked you. But He was with her, married to his pain; His fleeting fancy with your mind, your brilliance, your presence taking hold of His heart briefly enough for Him to want to pierce yours, His Cheshire grin enslaving you as surely as the hard steel chains that were to bite into the flesh of your wrists soon enough�.
�The community of earthworms travel the valleys of your body. You rescued some of these worms long ago, saving them from rainy asphalt and the soles of the oblivious, and now they have come to pay homage to their fallen God�
Remember the day it all fell apart? You felt yourself falling, this new emotion prickling at nerve endings not labelled in medical texts, thinking to yourself that if you don�t name this emotion, it will not be real; it will be a figment of your fevered imagination; temporary madness.
But then He bored His chameleon eyes into yours.
They were green then, �another thing,� you thought, �another connection we share�; speaking volumes but revealing nothing, until that day�
�Your elegant neck is a patchwork quilt of pretty bruises. All down your torso and up your arms, angry marks of blue and purple shout a thousand words each. But the nasty gash in your throat that spilt the scarlet sea solely echoes with a single scream�
�There is an unhealthy amount of love in this gaze�, He says. Damn- He�s verbalized it at last. Now you have to face the fact that you�re in love with Him. Waiting in agony (because for you, there is no suffering quite as acute as waiting) for Him to make His choice� you or her, a new flame or a four year old blaze, because only one could burn. There just wasn�t enough to fuel in Him to fan both fires. And it was easy to see which one was more easily extinguished�
�It�s raining, up above you, but no drops of fresh precipitation dampen your face. Such a tragedy, you loved the rain so�
He made His decision. You broke down in tears, refusing to accept the obvious, because acceptance meant letting go of this addictive new pain, so you kept on visiting in the guise of �just friends�, and you kept pushing the envelope. He set rules for you on how far you could go before He became uncomfortable with your �friendly� touch. You tried to break them�
�Rain coming in torrents now, soaking the soil, and subsequently, you. You aren�t quite that deep. A tangle of roots winding from the army of trees in the gully prevented you from a full six feet�
Then, things started to get violent. At first, it was just the harmless slapping, and you liked the sting of His hand against your face. After that, the feel of His fingers squeezing your throat made you return to him time and again�
�Your mother hasn�t heard from you in a week. You were supposed to come home Tuesday and help her make brownies. She�s displeased with you. �When I hear from her�, she thinks, �My little girl is going to be in a great deal of trouble�
Your conversations started shifting from art and literature to death. You both discussed your musings on what it would be like to take a life. You watched Pulp Fiction and Disney cartoons. �Your face would look so cute staring out of the side of a milk carton�, He would say. You�d smile�
�A large German Shepherd sniffs a nearby tree, but the rain has washed away your scent. The team, frustrated, moves on�
And then the last embrace. He was aroused, hard as rock. You could feel His erection poking into the small of your back, His fingers tangled in the riot of your hair as the knife slid across your throat�
��Thank you for your co-operation. If you hear from her, please let us know.� �I will, Officer, to be sure. I really hope that you find her safe and sound. There are some real nut jobs out there.� He grins as the Chief of Police quickly dismisses Him and wearily moves onto another.
He goes home and the phone rings. It�s His girlfriend. He ignores it and gazes at nude photos of you, given to Him in a pathetic attempt to make Him really see you, love you�Foolish girl�He thinks of the gulley, of the blood, the bruises, the shovel, the dirt, the knife. He remembers feeling your breath leave you, lowering you into the hollow He dug so carefully and precisely, with only you in mind. He recalls gazing into your glassy green eyes, nothing like His now, no, green as algae, not changing to blend with the mud on your nose as His have. �You�re my first�, He whispers lovingly.
Somewhere, you smile.
THE END
Brandy Dawley, 15 July 2004
