January 20, 2006 - 4:19 p.m.
letter to the girl
dear girl
you've been a fixture in my life for as long as i can remember
a given
given hope, given honesty
given criticism
gently and sometimes not so
you were the switch that turned me
illuminated the next moment and reminded me
never to take anything about myself for granted
for years I followed you
like a lead, like a hunch
sensing you knew where you were going
i always seemed to dive in first
but you were the one who checked the water
i'm the stronger swimmer it seems
heart stronger from years of use
harder from years of misuse
you have fallen behind
aside 'she said she'd never want to be like them'
too bad it's happened and i'm not even there to call her on it
and maybe 'like them' isn't fair because as far as scenesters go... she's just fucking them, fucking with them, she tells herself,
walking the same walk, sipping the same expensive drinks and talking about the same lame, alluring and endlessly inexaustible parties,
but never quite like the rest, those people who are actually in the center of it. funny, you never notice you're in the center, when you're swimming in such transparent cirles, queen of your castle and the miaow of every passing ...
cat? She doth protest too much.
i shoulda known when the last time i heard from you was the time after last, when i had another gift to bestow upon you. even then, you could only stay long enough to make your entrance, out of breath and on your way to the next stop in an endless list of engagements...too many demands on your time.
and i know that i've heard so many things and believe so many things about friendship, just like i've heard all your stories and know how you'll spin them so it looks like you don't care
or how every time you're in hot water,
i happen along with a bucket of ice and my tiny ears swell with the same story of lost shoes and the familiar sound of breaking glass.
but the list goes like this...
if it's no longer fun,
if they're only around when they need you,
if you can't remember the last time they followed through,
if they always make excuses,
if you find yourself wondering how long your feelings would hold if they were the only thing between them and what they wanted, if you feel like, more often than not, they're just killing time, waiting for a more exciting phone call...
if the list could just keep going.
all i can be is disappointed. except that i feel like i still have the ability to predict you, like a storm watcher. i know when low tide is expected. i feel that you'll be there tonight, it would only make sense. but i, for once, won't know what to say.
