June 20, 2009 - 2:21 a.m.
God I need a valley I can walk within"
Good girls have been the soundtrack of eleven years of my life
and now I'm aching for a refrain which seems to sound out all the ache I'm feeling
but I don't know if I even want it anymore
Can humiliation be added to the rest of the key ingredients: insecurity, anger, resentment, bitterness, sadness...
mixing this between my mind and my own two hearts
one that wants you, the other that wants out
battered by thoughts that I should just walk, with this song on repeat
I pour more of myself into things that matter less because I am so empty that spilling is proof of something that I wasn't sure was there at all.
the p.s. at the bottom of someone else's term paper. "I spoke to her today - it was the highlight of my day"
it used to be hers and now I don't even know if I like you anymore
you make me dislike myself, teasing out the worst of me until I cannot even bear to look
Seeing myself in the eye of your mirrored glasses, Plath all over, I am angry at a god that would put me in this position - forced to stare at the thing I need but don't want to need or want, anymore, squaring off, rounding corners, rounding up figures, to determine if I can afford to make this break. What is the cost of this loss, and will I break even, keeping some of myself, the 'good girl' part that will still be of value when you are gone.
You are considerate of needs, everyone's but mine. You speak to me now, hands on me - a memory - and have no reserve - speak your mind, but have no store of kindess. We are past that. I guess you get credit where it is due, and I have used mine up.
I do not know what is in store, so I micro-manage the only facts that are mine: my feelings, and try to divide myself, multiply my options until, as usual, there are so many that I cannot decide and choose instead to do nothing
at
all
