September 19, 2009 - 8:55 p.m.
i don't want you to be the solution to my problem
"8 years, 8 years... that's how long I've wasted on him. That's all, we're through. Albert, to put it sweetly... to hell with you...
do we want them? no we don't
do we need them? no we don't
will we leave them? no we won't
tell me, what did I say that for?"
I don't want to be a martyr. but i also don't want to be a casualty riddled with regret.
if i am asking too much, tell me
now
I am asking for more for myself
unwilling any more to quietly say nothing
as i tell myself that you're talking about a future I am no longer certain of.
I refuse to participate in a compromise that is one sided, while you feel like I'm pulling teeth
silently you put up a wall of denial.
Tired of feeling like I'm losing myself,
dignity, respect and worth, undercut by the words, the car door slams and the shushing in the hall to keep neighbours, or friends or family from knowing what we are doing to eachother.
I aquiesce.
you tell me, she is an asshole,
but you have done ten times what she has and I have stood by and let you
refusing to walk
refusing to talk about how doubtful I have become about all this 'future' you still talk about as a certainty.
You think you don't need work, don't need to work. rely on your charm.
it's wearing off.
I am pushing myself ahead as you push me
push me away
diverting my attention from the real issue.
but if it isn't the smoking, the smoking you cannot quit, or even cut back or shield me from... because me silently asking or loudly pleading is an annoyance...
it's the $3000. that hasn't had a dent made in it in 2 and a half years.
it's the mattress that still hasn't even been purchased for a bed I went out to get
I've made my bed and you're in it, but what is even left to share here?
it's the last time and the time before that that you screamed at me in front of people, grabbed my arm until I couldn't think of anything to say, let alone walk away, but broke down in tears that finally spoke to you
provoked you to ask me to stay
again. saying this is the last time is just another scene in a movie that I am convinced will end badly because you'd rather watch the credits roll than move.
to stop me from ending this. if you want to make this easier... it's working. If you want to fix this, you're doing everything possible not to.
doing nothing.
you have all these dreams and want "me" and "I" and "you" to be replaced with "us"
but it's always still you in your head
and me waiting for you to be
something better and more you than this
Knowing something is possible and wanting it is different than working for it, working towards it
and it's entirely different than walking away
but I'm not going to help you dig a grave for us anymore
I will choose something different
and go find someone who is ready to want and to pursue that want
with intent.
