January 13, 2010 - 7:39 p.m.
a lighthearted title for a heavy dilemma
The money
$2000 lent
First and last months' rent unpaid ($1190)
It's January 13th and this month's rent hasn't been paid
December's hasn't been paid in full...
That's somewhere around $4000
---- That's a number of times I've bailed you out, and us out...
- Now I need to be able to use my money to make the biggest investment of my life and my bank account is missing 4 grand.
- This will increase my interest rate (the impact of this will last for more years than I can estimate)
- I have been building resentment about this and it creates inequality in our relationship
- It allows you to avoid taking responsibility and me to become resentful everytime you make purchases or decisions which prevent you from starting to pay back this amount
---- a new car? a blackberry? a new I-Pod... a case of beer... studio two times a week....
- I don't want to begrudge you the things you love, but I keep feeling like I am bearing the burden and making the sacrifices for YOU to continue not having to face consequences of your spending and debt
- You have an interest free loan (for two years now) and that's interest I'm missing out on in my own savings
- I will have trouble getting approved for a mortgage
- I need to feel like this is a priority and not only has no dent been made, you are falling further behind
- I keep catching us.
- I need you to have a plan. If I were a bank you would be destroying your credit. Instead it's our relationship being damaged. I feel very strongly about this and need you to understand how much it's affecting me. It's a constant reminder that you don't respect the fact that I did this for you, because you dismiss my suggestions to get a loan and invalidate my concerns by saying 'later' essentially promising some plan, but taking no action
- You don't want to ask your parents to dip into your savings account (and now paying back your dad is a priority)
- You don't want them to know about your problem, but now I'm covering for you
- You don't want to get a loan from the bank but you are totally willing to jeopardize our relationship and ask me to put plans to purchase a home on hold because I have no access to my own money now and you have no clear plan for how you will pay it back
I understand money and talking about this is difficult, but if we are in a relationship together we need to be able to talk about it. This won't fix itself. There has to be a plan and some kind of ACTION, not denial. I can't pretend this problem doesn't exist. It creates inequality and breeds resentment.
I'm not trying to make you feel unequal, but in the same way you feel indebted, I feel trapped by the debt and it affects both our behaviour.
We need to get this sorted out, so that if debt has to exist it exists to a source outside our relationship and not between US.
A loan from the bank could start to set this right. It would benefit us both. It will build your credit rating and help you to take some action to get your finances in order. A bank won't let you slide the way I have and I will no longer be held back by the mistakes and debt you have created. When I agreed to help you I wanted to support you, not be a bandaid that stayed on so long that it started to rot. Now I've taken on your problem and it's affecting me, and us in a really unhealthy way.
I need this to be addressed and there needs to be a step forward, not stagnation and more excuses from us both.
I need to hear a plan... so that I don't continue to feel anxiety on a daily basis.
When you put it into cold figures: I am missing almost two MONTHS' salary from my own savings. And I have nothing to show for it and no real promise that I will get it back - when I now need it most.
