December 12, 2009 - 1:21 p.m.
_________ is playing "I will survive" on repeat
Purgation through pain
I will survive this
I say it coming,
said it 'coming' for so long
but now it's so hard, still hard
sitting on the floor with the cats
hearing about her
twisted-in-knots trying to be the person she thought I wanted
'walking on eggshells'
while I ate glass
I know this is for the best
people say that
but I need to know it is true
I need to start seeing that it is real and good and that it's all going to be okay
this does not have to be the end of me
even though my heart is breaking apart,
the long slow broken that fuels my eyes and lungs and heart
I just wanted you to be the person you were when I met you
who i needed so badly and who didn't have to try to be anything
You were so confident, your hands knew how to hold me
and now you feel like I never loved who you really are, just what I knew you could be
'isn't that the way it is supposed to be?'
I can't accept or live with the less then you I saw, shadow-walking through our life
until you gave up.
we both did,
I was waiting,
for what, I don't know?
for you to come crashing through, knight in shining armour as the you I knew was possible,
If you could just manage to make it real
and lasting
I think about conversations we will have to have... about the broken I have yet to feel
like when I will ask you if you plan to sleep with her, knowing and dreading the answer.
I know it will be to make you feel better
but I will wonder if it's what you've wanted to do all along, what I've been afraid was always coming
unfinished business
I have mine too
but it doesn't hurt any less.
do you owe it to me to tell me? if only to save me the pain and ripping apart of wondering and worrying myself sick.
knowing is hard, but not as hard as wondering and imagining.
I should focus on the obvious. I will have more closet space,
I will be able to eat dinner at whatever time I feel like,
I will never have to wonder if you will get wasted and treat me like shit
but I will also have to change my life
change my top 5 phone numbers, hesitate before I call you,
never be able to press myself against you and crawl into bed beside you
i will be lonely,
especially when I go out
and i will be paranoid and terrified that everyone will think that this was my fault
that i will be marked as one side of a choose your side fight
where I will have to start
all over again
and even if i feel like I don't belong there, even if so many people, including me, have seen this coming and told me i deserve better
why didn't you know that? and if you did, why couldn't you just try harder?
Why am I so sad, when I hav felt this under my skin for so long -
because I wanted this to be it, tried for this to be it and the only consolation is knowing that I tried and if it still didn't work
this is all we can do.
and I will call my mother and my friends and cuddle the cats and cry
and cry
and cry
and cry
and clean the house until I believe it all the time, and not just when i'm thinking rationally.
I have tried for so long to reach a balance between my heart and myself
the rational, smart, strong, talented self that had been a light under a veil beside you for so long, hoping and helping you to shine brighter
hoping for some of that residual glow to cast its circle onto me, so that you would finally see me again.
But it has been so long since I have felt that light
and now I don't know where to start building the pieces back
so that I don't build myself into a corner. I am afraid of sadness that lasts.
but it has been so long that I have been alone, even with you here, that I am afraid of the real thing.
Partly, I am afraid that I will have regret?
Watch you blossom for the next person who is lucky enough to benefit from all that you have learned
and to reap the rewards of all our suffering
whether she is a string of one night stands, to make you feel desirable again, someone you can charm, the way you charmed me, or someone who was waiting for this moment.
I will resent that someone else is moving into my house, into your arms, into the place I spent so long eaking out and excavating, to make room in your heart where there was so much anger and hurt and such an inability to express all that you felt.
have i paved the way for someone else, leaving myself no road at all?
I don't want to think about what will happen to what is no longer mine
because it makes me terrified that I will not find what I need for myself.
even if I am good
even if I am kind
even if I deserve it
I used to be the beautiful girl you were proud to hold and proud to have others watch
I am not shiny anymore
and I am afraid I have lost my light
and afraid of all the things we will have to say, that I don't even know how to start preparing for.
